


If I wasn't such a disaster, we'd probably be making out right now.

by AestheticGalaxy



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Asexual Agatha Wellbelove, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Dev and Niall are dating but only Agatha knows, F/M, Fluff, I honestly don't even know anymore, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Sexual Humor, Texting, There was a plot?, frenemies to lovers, simon is an oblivious idiot, there is no plot here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2019-08-22 09:22:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 8,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16595165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AestheticGalaxy/pseuds/AestheticGalaxy
Summary: Hey so, Article 13 is super important? If it's acted upon I can't write fanfics anymore???





	1. Chapter 1

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Pen:** Simon and Baz are fucking again

 **Pen:** Fighting*

 **Nail:** honestly either one of them sounds entirely plausible

 **Hammer:** Word of the day?

 **Nail:** You know it bro

 **Agh:** I stm is they don't end up fuckin imma eat my horse

 **Mic:** please don't eat your horse

 **Hammer:** Shut up ya yank

 **Basil:** What's going on here?

 **Mic:** Apparently you and Simon might fuck and Agatha is gonna eat her horse

 **Basil:** Snow and I? In what bloody universe would Snow and I even get along nevermind having sex with each other? I mean, the whole idea is almost laughable! As if I'd even touch his revolting tanned body unless I were to give him an uppercut.

 **Pen:** ...

 **Sigh:** Dude stop attacking my body

 **Basil:** stop having a disgustingly attractive body then

 **Sigh:** You wanna fight?

 **Pen:** um. Do you guys even realise what he just fucking said?

 **Basil:** do you really want to fight me

 **Agh:** guys can you be a bit more polite?

 **Basil:** Sorry. DOST THOU WANT TO FUCKING GO, MY GOOD BITCH?

 **Agh:** n..no

 **Sigh:** SQUARE UP YE WENCH! I BITE MY THUMB AT THEE!

 **Pen:** Simon.

 **Sigh:** THY VISAGE IS A CANVAS ON WHICH I SHALT PAINT ON WITH THY OWN BLOOD

 **Nail:** Whoa where did that come from

 **Hammer:** what does that even mean?????????

 **Mic:** Chill.

 **Basil:** You calling me a piece of art, Snow?

 **Sigh:** WHAT.

 **Sigh:** NO.

 **Pen:** But like, you unintentionally were.

 **Sigh:** NO I WASN'T.

 **Agh:** (Is he flustered?)

 **Nail:** (Oh yeah, he's acting like Dev pre-fifth year)

 **Agh:** (Oh ;) )

 **Sigh:** IM NOT FLUSTERED

 **Hammer:** You're not,

 **Hammer:** but Basil is.

 **Hammer: [** x1 image attached **]**

 **Basil:** I hope Hades has a special place in the underworld set aside just for you.

 **Mic:** Aw, a blushing Basil.

 **Basil:** again, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

 **Pen:** Someone you shouldn't mess with if you still wanna be able to walk.

 **Mic:** Awwww <3

 **Pen:** <3

 **Sigh:** Gross.

 **Agh:** Agreed.

* * *

 

**[3 gays in a chat bitching]**

**Basil:** Fuck he's shirtless

 **Basil:** HE'S FUCKING SHIRTLESS

 **Basil:** HE DOESN'T HAVE A SHIRT ON WHAT DO I DO???

 **Nail:** Take your shirt off, establish dominance.

 **Hammer:** Dude, you can't keep messaging us when Snow sleeps shirtless

 **Hammer:** This is the eighth time this week.

 **Basil:** HE'S. SO. FUCKING. HOT.

 **Basil:** shit he caught me staring what do i do

 **Nail:** He probably thinks you're 'plotting' it's fine

 **Basil:** The only thing I'm plotting is how I wanna pin him against a wall and tear his shirt off with my teeth.

 **Hammer:** I thought he was already shirtless????

 **Nail:** He doesn't mean right now babe.

 **Hammer:** Oh.

 **Hammer:** You know what, Baz has a pretty good idea there. And we got some time.

 **Nail:** I'm omw just catching up on some homework

 **Basil:** He's lying, he's in detention

 **Hammer:** Yeah, I know.

 **Nail:** Hehe <3

 **Hammer:** Dork.

 **Hammer:** .....I just heard a large bang what just happened?

 **Basil:** I may or may not have just fell and lay on the floor while Snow is in the shower

 **Nail:** You're such a fuckign disaster

 **Hammer:** When did you lower your standards?

 **Basil:** when FUCKING snow

 **Hammer:** ???

 **Hammer:** Baz?

 **Hammer:** BAZ?

 **Nail:** Oh my god he fuckin dead


	2. Chapter 2

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Basil:** Dev what the fuck are you doing?

 **Hammer:** Uh

 **Hammer:** Drugs?

 **Nail:**   _what_

 **Hammer:** I mean, no.

 **Pen:** What's going on????

 **Basil:** Niall's at detention and I just heard the largest 'SHIT' from below us

 **Hammer:** That wasn't me?

 **Basil:** What?

 **Sigh:** IM NOT SAYING WHAT HAPPENED BUT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ME

 **Pen:** wtf did you do

 **Sigh:** IM NOT SAYING.

 **Sigh:** IT'S EMBARRASSING

 **Basil:** Nothing can be more embarrassing than your existence in general

 **Pen:** Oof

 **Agh:** Oof

 **Nail:** Oof

 **Mic:** Oof

 **Hammer:** Oof

 **Basil:** ...What?

**Sigh: ;-;**

**Mic:** Look at what you did! Now he's crying!

 **Sigh:** Meanie :(

 **Pen:** Aw, Simon it's okay. Baz is just a bully

 **Basil:** What is happening?

 **Agh:** I think Micah and Penny just adopted Simon.

 **Pen:** I adopted him years ago keep up guys

 **Nail:** Why would you adopt your friend

 **Pen:** Because he's needy af. He latched onto me at one point and didn't let go so I didn't really have a choice

 **Sigh:** It's true. I am the clingiest bitch i know

 **Agh:** You're telling me....

 **Sigh:** I have abandonment issues! Don't judge me!!!!

 **Pen:** It's okay Simon, don't listen to them...

 **Basil:** Yes, shield yourself from the real world so that you become over-protected and are unable to deal with any actual criticism and become a spoiled brat.

 **Sigh:** Okay, wow.

 **Agh:** ANYWAY Baz can i copy ur Greek homework???

 **Basil:** No.

 **Agh:** Rude :(

 **Pen:** Do we have to hold another _#IgnoreBazDay_ ???

 **Hammer:** Oh dude didn't you get like, super sad because we all ignored you?

 **Basil:** pft no

 **Nail:** Bro your self-esteem like, plummeted that day

 **Basil:** Bold of you to assume I had self-esteem in the first place.

 **Mic:** You okay dude?

 **Basil:** asdfghjkl no

 **Pen:** Keysmashing is bottom culture

 **Sigh:** ???

 **Basil:** YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH BUNCE

 **Sigh:** I don't get it??

 **Agh:** What don't you get? Baz is a bottom.

 **Basil:** SHUT UP

 **Sigh:** We don't have bunk beds???

 **Nail:** Oh you sweet innocent child no

* * *

 

 **[Sigh** >  **Basil]**

 **Sigh:** You okay? You seem weird today.

 **Basil:** When did you start asking me questions instead of stalking me?

 **Sigh:** ...Sorry about that

 **Basil:** Whoa you're apologising????

 **Sigh:** Well yeah,

 **Sigh:** It was kinda weird and creepy I guess.

 **Basil:** You guess?

 **Sigh:** I just wanna know if you're okay

 **Basil:** I'm fine, Snow.

 **Sigh:** Jeez okay

 **Sigh:** But like, if you ever want to talk then I'm here

 **Basil:**....

 **Basil:** Thanks.

* * *

 

**[3 gays in a chat bitching]**

**Basil:** IM

 **Basil:** SO

 **Basil:** FUCKING

 **Basil:** GAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 **Hammer:** What else is new?


	3. Chapter 3

**[Family]**

**Sigh:** Is Baz acting weird?

 **Agh:** Thank shit i'm not the only one who noticed

 **Pen:** Isn't he always weird?

 **Sigh:** Yeah bt this is just, double weird

 **Agh:** Triple weird

 **Sigh:** Quadruple weird

 **Mic:** Wow! What a big word!

 **Sigh:** thank i try

 **Mic:** So how is Baz acting weird?

 **Sigh:** he just looked at me and fucking sighed 

 **Pen:** sweetie that's normal when people look at you

 **Sigh:** okay, well, rude.

 **Agh:** No I agree with Simon he's been rlly weird recently

 **Mic:** Do you think it has anything to do with the mage?

 **Agh:** no, this is a  _different_ kind of weird

 **Agh:** Do you know what I mean?

 **Mic:** oh

 **Mic:** OH

 **Mic:** Yeah you lost me

 **Agh:** Y'all are useless

 **Pen:** We know but HEY!!!!

* * *

 

 **[Agh** added  **Hammer** , and  **Nail** to  **Fuckin dumbasses]**

 **Agh:** I'm not stupid when I say Baz likes Simon right?

 **Hammer:** Oh thank Merlin you noticed

 **Hammer:** Yes, 100% Baz would murder a puppy for him.

 **Agh:** Wow

 **Nail:** It's actually disturbing how much he likes him

 **Nail:** He messages us everytime he has a gay panic

 **Hammer:** Which is at least five times a day

 **Nail:** And when Simon isn't wearing a shirt

 **Hammer:** Simon likes to sleep half naked

 **Nail:** Our life sucks

 **Hammer:** We crave death

 **Agh:** Aleister Crowley...

 **Agh:** How does everyone else not realise this?

 **Hammer:** How does everyone else not realise that Niall and I are together

 **Agh:**  Touché

 **Nail:** Luv u bby <3

 **Hammer:** <3

 **Agh:** Should I like, tell Penny and Micah that Baz likes Simon?

 **Nail:** If those dumbbutts can't realise it themselves then they don't deserve to know

 **Hammer:** No,

 **Agh:** This is gonna be a long year...

 **Nail:** You're telling us...

* * *

 

**[3 gays in a chat bitching]**

**Hammer:** Agatha knows about ur gay ass

 **Basil:** WHAT

 **Nail:** Ya, she figured it out herself

 **Nail:** Smort girl

 **Basil:** KILL HER

 **Hammer:** Baz, no.

 **Hammer:** No murder

 **Basil:** >:(

 **Nail:** Hey Dev don't we have potions next?

 **Hammer:** Yeah, why?

 **Nail:** Maybe we could steal some ingredients and make one of those truth potions

 **Basil:** I'LL BE GOOD 

 **Hammer:** I love it when you blackmail people <3

 **Nail:** I love you <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so, Article 13 is super important? If it's acted upon I can't write fanfics anymore???


	4. Chapter 4

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Pen:** Did Baz just fall asleep during lesson?

 **Agh:** What???

 **Pen: [** x1 Image attached **]**

 **Hammer:** Holy shit

 **Mic:** Can you guys stop fucking texting i'm trying to sleep and

 **Mic:** Holy shit Baz

* * *

 

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Basil:** OKAY first of all: Why are you taking pictures on your phone during lesson, second: I solely blame Snow for that.

 **Nail:** You blame Snow for everything Baz

 **Pen:** Stop blaming Simon for your own bad sleeping habits Pitch

 **Sigh:** I uh, might actually have to take responsibility on this one...

 **Agh:** Holy shit?

 **Hammer:** What happened?

 **Basil:**   _Someone_ decided to keep me up all night with his stupid normal games

 **Sigh:** Never have I ever is not stupid and it teaches you a lot about your friends!

 **Basil:** I wouldn't exactly call us friends now Snow, would you?

 **Agh:** I'd call you guys boyfriends

 **Basil:** AHGFKJDHF 

 **Basil:** STOP

 **Pen:** I mean... Y'all are keeping each other up late at night

 **Basil:** I will personally gouge out your eyes using nothing but a rusty kitchen knife that was previously shoved up your arse

 **Sigh:** Crowley Baz, Is the idea of dating me that bad? :(

 **Sigh:** Baz?

 **Nail:** Baz is currently unable to answer his phone right now as he is currently dying

 **Mic:** Dead men can't die twice

 **Hammer:** Damn

 **Nail:** That shit's filosoftical

 **Mic:** You mean... Philosophical?

 **Nail:** philosotical

 **Mic:** Philosophical

 **Nail:** Philosopical

 **Mic:** Philosophical

 **Nail:** Philidelphia.

 **Mic:** I hate you.

 **Basil:** You guys should stop insisting that i'm a vampire

 **Sigh:** But... You are?

 **Basil:** Stfu Snow you thought that fire ants could actually start fires.

 **Agh:** Oh Simon.....

 **Sigh:** I was young!

 **Basil:** You told me that yesterday

 **Sigh:** I was young _er_!

* * *

 

 **[Basil** > **Pen]**

 **Basil:** hes so fuckin dumb i love him what the fresh fuck

 **Pen:** Uhhhh....

 **Basil:** SHIT

 **Basil:** Delete this contact. Delete all your messages in the groupchat. You never knew me, we never spoke.

 **Pen:** Baz it's okay.

 **Basil:** No it's not I just told Simon bloody Snow's best friend that i'm in love with him

 **Pen:** And what are you gonna do about it now?

 **Basil:** Change my name to Damien J Kelling and move to Argentina to live out my life as a farmer with two pet dogs called Alexander and Arrow

 **Pen:** What the fuck

 **Basil:** That's what i'm gonna do

 **Basil:** How long does it take for a passport to come through again?

 **Pen:** No I was thinking

 **Pen:** Maybe you make a move?

 **Basil:** Impossible, have a nice day.

 **Pen:** Baz

 **Basil:** Who's Baz? I'm Damien, an Argentinian farmer whose life is dedicated wholly to his two dogs.

 **Pen:** MERLIN AND MORGANA BAZ CAN YOU STOP BEING AN OVERDRAMATIC BITCH FOR TWO MINUTES

 **Basil:** Well I can certainly try.

 **Pen:** What if i help you try to get Simon to fall in love with you?

 **Basil:** You can't just force someone to love you, Bunce.

 **Basil:** Our story ends one way. On the battlefield, a stake through my heart. Both literally and metaphorically.

 **Pen:** So you're just gonna give up?

 **Basil:** I gave up the moment I fell in love with the bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is 2:31 am and I have school in less than... seven hours. G'night Y'all!


	5. Chapter 5

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Sigh:** TYRANNUS BASILTON GRIMM-PITCH YOU DICK

 **Mic:** Oh shit we be busting out the full names here

 **Basil:** Oh great what did I do this time?

 **Sigh:** DON'T PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW YOU SLIMY ASS BAG OF HORSESHIT

 **Sigh:** THERE IS A PLACE FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND IT IS WORSE THAN ANY OF THE CIRCLES OF HELL

 **Basil:** Does anyone here have any clue what I did because i'm fucking lost.

 **Agh:**  Lost in Simon's eyes

 **Hammer:** Ooohhhhh

 **Nail:** Ooohhhhhh

 **Basil:** Imma give you -3 seconds to shut your mouths

 **Mic:** Simon what did Baz do?

 **Sigh:** HE THREW AWAY MY FUCKING SCONE

 **Basil:** You mean the mouldy lump of dough that kept attracting rats?

 **Basil:** Yeah I threw that away it was fucking disgusting Snow

 **Sigh:** IWASGONNAFEEDITTOEBBSGOATSYOUMONSTER

 **Sigh:** You should've been glad it was attracting rats! You feed on them every night anyway!!!!

 **Basil:** For the last time, I'M NOT A VAMPIRE

 **Sigh:** BUT YOU ARE

 **Basil:** What would you even do if I was? Tell the mage? Get me kicked out of the school that used to belong to  _my family_? Make me my family's disappointment because surprise Snow! i'm already a big enough disappointment already

 **Basil:** I guess you wouldn't know what that's like. Even when you mess up you're still 'The Chosen One'. And you're still everyone's favourite golden child. It's what I hate the most about you. And I hate that it's part of the reason that I

 **[Basil** has gone offline **]**

 **Nail:** Okay where is he? Somebody check he's still okay

 **Agh:** Why do we need to check if he's okay? Don't you think he needs time alone?

 **Hammer:** Baz is... how do I put this

 **Nail:** A self-destructive little shit and we need to make sure he doesn't burn down a forest

 **Agh:** He would do that?

 **Hammer:** He could.

* * *

 

 **[Sigh** >  **Basil]**

 **Sigh:** Baz?

 **Sigh:** Baz i'm sorry

 **Sigh:** I shouldn't have pushed you to reveal that you're a vampire like that

 **Sigh:** It's not really any of my business anyway

 **Sigh:** I didn't know that you felt like that... That you felt like a disappointment.

 **Sigh:** I guess I never considered that since you've always been kind of on a pedistal in my head. You were always so perfect, and in control. I was envyous about that. I think that's why I felt like I had to push you down a peg or two.

 **Sigh:** I never really  _wanted_ to hate you. But for some reason whenever I see you out on the football pitch, or playing violin, or doing whatever you need to do to look perfect in the morning, my body fills with this feeling and I can't control what happens next. So i'm sorry, for everything.

 **Basil:** Envious.

 **Sigh:** What?

 **Basil:** Envious. You spelt it wrong in your sixth text.

 **Sigh:** oh my god Baz youre alive

 **Basil:** As alive as I can be

 **Sigh:** Merlin Baz where were you? I was worried about you.

 **Basil:** You were worried... about your arch-nemesis

 **Sigh:** I'd say we're past arch-nemesis now

 **Basil:** Then what are we? 'Rivals'??

 **Sigh:** Friendly rivals

 **Basil:** Who are gonna kill eachother in battle one day

 **Sigh:** Who said we'd have to kill eachother?

 **Sigh:** We fake both our deaths, change our names and spend the rest of our lives in Argentina

 **Basil:** ... Did Bunce tell you?

 **Sigh:** Tell me what?

 **Basil:** Nothing.

 **Sigh:** Ooookay. But where were you?

 **Basil:** I went to our room.

 **Sigh:** Oh.

 **Basil:** You were worried about me but you didn't even bother to check our room?

 **Sigh:** ....

 **Basil:** Crowley.

* * *

 

**[3 gays in a chat bitching]**

**Basil:** He's so fucking dumb and i'm so fucking in love with him nnnnnnn

 **Hammer:** Oh shit you're alive

 **Nail:** Aww, this means we don't get your stuff

 **Basil:** Bitch y'all would've never got my stuff in the first place ya nasties

 **Hammer:** it's okay bby, pretty sure i'm still in the will anyway

 **Nail:** :D

 **Basil:** Why would he get my stuff if you're in the will? Wouldn't you rather keep it?

 **Hammer:** ...

 **Hammer:** NIALL AND I HAVE BEEN DATING FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS TYRANNUS

 **Basil:** WHAT

 **Nail:** We're dating dumbass.

 **Hammer:** WE KISS, WE FUCK, WE HOLD HANDS WHEN WE'RE NEAR ENOUGH TO EACHOTHER, WE CUDDLE, WE GO ON DATES

 **Hammer:** HOW DID YOU NOT REALISE???

 **Basil:** I DON'T KNOW I'M BUSY

 **Nail:** Too busy to realise your friends are making out

 **Basil:** ... I need to lie down

 **Nail:** Cool. Go lie down on top of Simon

 **Hammer:** More like beneath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I wrote this chapter after crying so it's emotional


	6. Chapter 6

**[Tight-knit family]**

**Sigh:** He's plotting something

 **Agh:** Fuck Crowley I thought we were past this.

 **Pen:** For the last time. Just because Baz takes a few minutes longer in the shower doesn't mean he's plotting anything.

 **Sigh:** What else could he be doing!!!!

 **Mic:** ... Really? Are you really sure there's nothing else he could be doing in there Simon?

 **Sigh:** No!

 **Sigh:** Wait...

 **Sigh:** IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT ANYWAY SHUT UP MICAH

 **Mic:** ;)

 **Sigh:** It's about yesterday!

 **Sigh:** It was all a plot! Trying to deter me away from the fact he's a vampire by making me feel bad for him!!

 **Agh:** Or maybe you just... Felt bad?

 **Sigh:** Well yeah but it was part of his plot!

 **Agh:** That's it I'm putting an end to this

 **Pen:** You can do that?????

 **Agh:** Simon, when you look at Baz what exactly do you feel?

 **Sigh:** My stomach feels all twisted and my head gets fuzzy and my heart feels weird when he's close to me

 **Mic:** Weird that's how I feel when I look at Penny.

 **Mic:** OH.

 **Pen:** Holy motherfucking shit.

 **Sigh:** Hang on, are you trying to imply the idea that I'm in love with Baz??????????????

 **Agh:** I'm not implying it.

 **Agh:** I'm stating it. It's a fact.

 **Sigh:** The fuck no it's not I'm not in love with Baz.

 **Pen:** 'If he weren't a vampire, Baz would be bloody perfect'

 **Sigh:** shut the fuck up Penny don't use my words against me

 **Sigh:** I'm not in love with Baz.

 **Mic:** But consider this:

 **Mic:** You are.

 **Sigh:** I will PHYSICALLY FIGHT YOU

* * *

 

**[3 gays in a chat bitching]**

**Hammer:** What's with the paper bag bitch?

 **Nail:** ?

 **Hammer:** Not you.

 **Nail:** Oh.

 **Basil:** Why the fuck do you need to know?

 **Hammer:** I'm a nosy little shit now what's in the bag???

 **Basil:** ... Scones.

 **Nail:** :O

 **Hammer:** Did you seriously ask Cook Pritchard to make more scones just so you could give them to Snow?

 **Basil:** ...

 **Basil:** Maybe.

 **Nail:** Damnnnnnnn you got it badddddddddd

 **Basil:** Suck a dick

 **Nail:** Okay. Hey Dev

 **Basil:** NO.

* * *

 

 **[Sigh** >  **Basil]**

 **Sigh:** Why the fuck is there a paper bag on my bed

 **Basil:** Just open it wanker

 **Sigh:** Is it gonna kill me

 **Basil:** Imagine the headlines. 'Chosen One slaughtered by paper bag'

 **Sigh:** Haha very funny.

 **Sigh:** ...

 **Sigh:** You got me scones????

 **Basil:** Yeah well, you made me feel bad yesterday so there.

 **Basil:** Eat them. Or more like inhale them in your case.

 **Sigh:** Thank you!

* * *

 

**[Tight-knit family]**

**Sigh:** FUCK IM IN LOVE WITH THE BLOODY GIT.

 **Sigh:** SHITTY VAMPIRE BASTARD.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Through writing this fic I have discovered my favourite word is 'fuck'


	7. Chapter 7

**[Tight-knit family]**

**Sigh:** I wanna hold his stupid hand I wanna kiss his stupid face I wanna run my hands through his stupidly perfect hair I wanna hold him close and tell him how amazing he is and how much I care about him what the fuck I hate it.

 **Mic:** What the fuckity fuck is going on?

 **Agh:** Simon realised he’s been in love with Baz this whole time keep up

 **Mic:** Oh sorry that I’m five hours behind you guys and it’s like, 2am over here and that I’m normally sleeping

 **Pen:** Love you messaged me 8 minutes ago about how you think sleep is for the weak

 **Mic:** Sweetie hush I’ve gotta set a good example for the kids!

 **Agh:** Exactly how sleep deprived are you?

 **Mic:** What day is it?

 **Pen:** It’s Friday

 **Mic:** Putain

 **Pen:** Go to sleep bby, you have a dentist appointment at 9am

 **Mic:** How the shit did you know that

 **Pen:** ;)

 **Mic:** Love you <3

 **Pen:** <3

 **Agh:** Gross

 **Sigh:**  Romance is stupid

 **Agh:** Ugh preach

 **Pen:** Weren't you just complaining how in love with Baz you are?

 **Sigh:** Yeah and i'm angry about that

 **Sigh:** I don't wanna be in love with him! He's a git!

 **Pen:** Si you literally mistook your pining for him as anger for seven years are you really sure you're allowed to judge his character

 **Sigh:** He tried to feed me to a Chimera

 **Mic:** That's a pretty good point ngl

 **Agh:** Yet you're the one who's in love with him, interesting.

 **Sigh:** shut the fuCK UP

 **Sigh:** oh no hes in the room now what do i do help

 **Pen:** Make-out with him

 **Agh:** Confess your undying love to him

 **Mic:** Reverse backhanded compliment

 **Agh:** What the fuck does that mean???

 **Mic:** Well a backhanded compliment is an insult disguised as a compliment (e.g. I love how you'll just wear anything!)

 **Mic:** A reverse backhanded compliment is a compliment disguised as an insult (e.g. Your hair/eyes are so fucking distracting)

 **Pen:** ... Or just compliment him??

 **Sigh:** Nah, too suspicious. I'll go for Micah's thing.

 **Agh:** Is he gonna get punched?

 **Pen:** He's gonna get punched.

* * *

 

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Hammer:** Why is Baz lay on the floor in my and Niall's room?

 **Sigh:** Idk dude we were just talking and then he just kinda left

 **Nail:** the fuck did you say to him?

 **Sigh:** idek 

 **Nail:**  Just say it Snow

 **Sigh:** I told him his eyes were distracting me what's wrong with that??

 **Mic:** Is he.... Okay?????

 **Hammer:** "I'M SO FUCKING GAAAAYYYYYYY"  **-** Baz, into the floor

 **Sigh:** Uh

 **Pen:** Oh?????

 **Agh:** Yeah Si? What's up?

 **Sigh:** Baz is gay?

 **Pen:** ...

 **Mic:** Are you fucking serious?

 **Hammer:** Are you literally blind Snow???????????

 **Sigh:** Is it that obvious???

 **Sigh:** I thought he liked Agatha

 **Agh:** HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK

 **Agh:** SI SWEETIE BAZ IS GAYER THAN SIMON SPIER DRINKING AN ICED COFFEE WHILST DRAPING HIMSELF ACROSS AN ARMCHAIR.

 **Nail:** Baz only 'liked' Agatha to make you jealous lol

 **Nail:** Wait shit

 **Sigh:** why would he wanna make me jealous?

 **Sigh:** WAIT HOLY FUCK

 **Pen:** Wait for it....

 **Sigh:** HE'S PLOTTING!

 **Mic:** You really live up to your username don't you.

* * *

 

 **[Sigh** added  **Hammer** and  **Nail** to  **One Collective Brain Cell]**

 **Sigh:** Okay i'm not dumb Baz likes me right?

 **Hammer:** Thank CROWLEY holy shit

 **Nail:** yes pls just date him so you can suffer his gayness we've delt with this for four years now we're so tired

 **Sigh:**   _FOUR YEARS????_

 **Sigh:** I ONLY REALISED I LIKED HIM YESTERDAY

 **Hammer:** Wait let me get this gay,

 **Hammer:** You like Baz back?????

 **Sigh:** ... Maybe.

 **Nail:** holy FUCK NUGGETS

 **Nail:** Okay we gotta make this romantic as FUCK

 **Hammer:**  Says the one who confessed to me over a box of 20 nuggets and sweatpants

 **Nail:** Says the one who offered me a bj in a Burger King bathroom?????

 **Hammer:** ... Carry on.

 **Nail:** Okay, so when he gets back to your room. You gotta play it cool, like you haven't realised that your previous enemy is actually so in love with you that he lies awake at night thinking about you.

 **Sigh:** He does?

 **Nail:** Now, because of Baz we know that you sleep shirtless. So, my suggestion is to make a show of that. Maybe a few stretches here and there, show off them abs. Maybe even wink at him.

 **Hammer:** How is this romantic?

 **Nail:** I'm getting to it!

 **Hammer:** No. No you're not.

 **** **Hammer:** Honestly Snow, do what feels natural. If you wanna talk to Baz about it then do it, if you don't think you're ready yet then don't. it's your choice.

 **Sigh:** I know what i'm gonna do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I should probably finish most my other fanfics before starting a new one  
> Also me: nnnn Snowbaz Love, Simon AU
> 
> Also, fuckity is a good word


	8. The Scavenger Hunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally don't title these chapters, but this one deserves a title ;)

**[Basil** >  **Sigh]**

 **Basil:** What's the meaning of this Snow?

 **Sigh:** Whatever do you mean Basilton? :)

 **Basil:** Stop that.

 **Basil:** You literally left a note on my bed telling me to message you.

 **Sigh:** Ah, that.

 **Sigh:** Welcome Basilton, to my Scavenger Hunt!

 **Basil:** ...

 **Basil:** I'm not playing your dumb game, Snow.

 **Sigh:** No Baz plz this took so long to set up and so much bribery plz i can't go into this kinda debt

 **Basil:** How many people did you bribe?

 **Sigh:** idk I can't count that high

 **Basil:** So one?

 **Sigh:** Oi.

 **Sigh:** So are you gonna play?

 **Basil:** Since I have nothing better to do... Fine.

 **Sigh:** Yay!

 **Basil:** So what's the first clue?

 **Sigh:** Oh right.

 **Sigh:**   _Two fair strangers are drawn together by forces unknown,  
_ _Waiting for their future story to unfold._

 **Basil:** The Crucible?

 **Sigh:** ;)

 **Basil:** Ugh, I hate you.

* * *

 

 **[Basil** > **Pen]**

 **Basil:** Your best friend is a little shit you know that right?

 **Pen:** So I guess you agreed to the Scavenger Hunt huh?

 **Basil:** I could feel the puppy eyes through the phone.

 **Basil:** Anyway, I'm at the Crucible, what's the next clue.

 **Pen:** I can't believe  _I_ agreed to this

 **Pen:**   _My eyes wander across vast fields,_

_A place where your true talent is revealed._

**Basil:** What the fuck does that even mean?

 **Pen:** Idk bro he wouldn't tell me bc i'd 'spoil it' for you

 **Basil:** that dick

 **Basil:** The football field probably.

 **Pen:** idk just go find him so this can be over

 **Basil:** Will do.

* * *

 

 **[Basil** >  **Mic]**

 **Basil:** What the fuck is actually happening?

 **Mic:** Scavenger hunt?

 **Basil:** Snow is a little shit

 **Mic:** Uh huh ain't that true

 **Basil:** What's the clue

 **Mic:**?

 **Mic:** Oh yeah

 **Mic:**   _From where monsters are hidden  
_ _Your past is forgotten and forgiven_

 **Basil:** He is so bad at poetry

 **Mic:** Ik dude

 **Basil:** Do you have any idea where he's hiding so I can get this over with?

 **Mic:** Nah dude, you gotta find all the clues.

 **Basil:** Ughhhhh I don't wanna go to the Wavering Wood.....

 **Mic:** Too bad, gotta go

 **Basil:** Sometimes I forget how much I dislike you

 **Mic:** :P

* * *

 

**[3 gays in a chat bitching]**

**Basil:** What the fuck is the next clue you gays

 **Hammer:** You agreed to this?

 **Basil:** So did you

 **Nail:** Snow paid us 20 quid each for this how could we say no?

 **Basil:** That wanker!

 **Hammer:** You still love him tho and that's why you agreed to this

 **Basil:** Shut up and give me the fucking clue

 **Hammer:** finnnneeee

 **Hammer:**   _From where the voices fade,_

 **Nail:**   _A new passion will be made_

 **Basil:** Voices fade????

 **Basil:** oh

 **Basil:** OH

 **Basil:** THAT BITCH

 **Nail:** So you're just gonna ignore the second part of the clue that's

 **Nail:**   _fine_

* * *

 

 **[Basil** >  **Agh]**

 **Basil:** Please tell me you have some sort of clue as to what the  _shit_ is happening right now

 **Agh:** I do...

 **Basil:** Thank Merlin!

 **Agh:** but I can't tell you

 **Basil:** FUCK YOU

 **Agh:** I just want you to know that you're really gonna like the end of this, trust me :)

 **Basil:** Just give me the fucking clue, Wellbelove

 **Agh:** No need to be nasty! This is the last clue!

 **Basil:** Oh.

 **Agh:**   _Two boys on different sides of a war  
_ _Only seem to cause the other to grow_  
Each of them wanting more  
But neither of them making a show.

 **Basil:** What the fuck?

 **Agh:** I'M NOT DONE

 **Agh:**   _Find me where you find yourself awake at night,  
_ _Where you find yourself staring at the one you fight,  
_ _Bathed in the glow of moonlight,  
_ _Only hating him in spite._

 **Basil:** What the Fuck does that MEAN?

 **Agh:** Well, where do you find yourself awake at night?

 **Basil:** ... Did he seriously just make me walk around half the school campus just to lead me back to the room?

 **Agh:** Maybe :) :) :)

 **Basil:** Seriously, fuck this.

* * *

 

Baz made his way up the stairs to his floor in the Mummer's house. He breathed heavily from running back here from all of Snow's stupid little clues for the stupid Scavenger Hunt. Who the fuck even makes Scavenger hunts anymore? Simon bloody Snow apparently. He finally made his way to his room and breathed a little bit before opening it. He didn't wanna seem breathless after all of this!

He twisted the door handle to reveal a strange scene. All the lights in the room were turned off and the curtains were drawn. Around the room were a few candles, all lit and melting wax onto the wooden desks and nightstands. From the amount of wax melted Baz guessed that they'd been lit for almost as long as he'd been gone which was at least an hour or two. But in front of him was the greatest sight. Snow with a smug smile on his face, staring straight at him.

Baz said the first thing to come to his mind.

"What the actual shit, Snow?" he questioned. "You lead me across half the campus for what? So you can cover the entire room in melted candle wax?"

Snow took a step forward.

"What's the point in all this? You know you're gonna have to clean this all up right?"

Another step forward.

"Seriously what is going on?"

He took another step forward and placed both his hands on Baz's face. Before Baz even had the time to react _Simon_ was kissing  _him_. Simon bloody Snow was kissing him, and he started it!

Baz was in  _heaven_. He felt his knees start to buckle and leant himself back against the door. Was this a good kiss? He doesn't know. But Simon was doing this thing with his chin and it was driving Baz insane. Simon's hands were slipping into Baz's hair and Baz was grabbing onto his waist like it was the only thing keeping him alive.  _Alive_. Baz felt so  _alive_ right now.

Simon pulled away for a moment.

"Jesus Christ," he breathed, his eyes wild and darting back down to Baz's lips.

Baz was on him again. If he let go of this moment he was afraid it would cease to exist. Right now he had Simon right where he wanted him. He was kissing Simon Snow. Simon Snow was  _kissing him back_. This was his wildest dream come true.

They could talk later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is 12:56 AM and I am listening to Dive by Ed Sheeran and this is the greatest chapter I've ever written


	9. Chapter 9

**[Fuckin Dumbasses]**

**Hammer:** Baz hasn't messaged us with his Gay Breakdown over Simon in 2 days is he dead?

 **Agh:** Only on the inside

 **Nail:** And the outside too, he is a vampire according to Snow

 **Agh:** Ha. Ha.

 **Hammer:** Gays this is serious what if they fought

 **Hammer:** Guys*

 **Agh:** I didn't think that was a mistake

 **Nail:** Maybe he just finally realised how much he was bothering us?

 **Hammer:** Yeah but now i'm worried

 **Agh:** Baz has literally tried to kill Simon before I don't think a petty fight should be anything to worry about

 **Hammer:** Oh you don't know how petty Baz can be

 **Agh:** C'mon, it's Simon and Baz, they'll be fine!

 **Nail:** Yeah babe, it's not like they will have stopped talking to each other

 **Hammer:** Okay, still suspicious though.

* * *

 

 **[Sigh** >  **Basil]**

 **Sigh:** Ur so cute wtf this isn't allowed

 **Basil:** We're in lesson Snow.

 **Sigh:** Awww look at you being rebellious and texting in class! <3 <3

 **Basil:** Is this all my life is now? Being annoyed by you every chance you get

 **Sigh:** P much.

 **Sigh:** The girl next to you is trying to copy your notes btw

 **Basil:** Thanks, I'll write a bunch of fake ones for her to copy then

 **Sigh:** That's diabolical

 **Sigh:** I love it.

 **Basil:** Wow that's a big word for you

 **Sigh:** Oi.

 **Basil:** Sorry, hard to switch it off.

 **Sigh:** It's okay, Ik you don't mean it (most the time) <3

 **Basil:** Debateable.

 **Sigh:** :(

 **Sigh:** Should we... Tell people about us?

 **Basil:** Well, what is 'us'?

 **Sigh:** Aren't we dating? Like, boyfriends?

 **Basil:** Two kisses and you think the world is upside down.

 **Sigh:** You mean a long thought-out scavenger hunt taking you around places that remind me of us, two kisses, and one night of cuddling the fuck out of each other and I think the world is upside down.

 **Basil:** ...

 **Basil:** Fuck you.

 **Sigh:** I mean if you really want to

 **Basil:** asjhfkajgfkahdgfkj

 **Basil:** PAY ATTENTION IN LESSON TWAT

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small update for y'all <3


	10. Chapter 10

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Pen:**  WHERE THE FUCK IS SIMON

 **Nail:** wat do u mean

 **Pen:** It's 5 minutes past the beginning of lunch and he isn't sat down with a mountain of scones and butter

 **Hammer:** Maybe he's talking to a teacher?

 **Agh:** Nah, teachers know to not hold Simon back from lunch. Not after the Minotaur Incident.

 **Mic:** The hell was the minotaur incident

 **Pen:** Dark times....

 **Agh:** We don't fucking talk about that shit anymore

 **Sigh:** Don't talk about me as if I'm not on the group chat. I'm just a little preoccupied at the moment.

 **Pen:** ...Baz are you texting us on Simon's phone?

 **Hammer:** I don't think i've seen Snow use a word thats longer than 9 letters before WITH correct grammar, so yeah it's Baz.

 **Agh:** Oh my fucking Merlin Baz finally killed Simon.

 **Mic:** Ohmyfuckinggodhefuckindead

 **Sigh:** He's not dead he just dropped his phone going to use the bathrooms and i found it

 **Hammer:** Doesn't he have a passcode on that?

 **Sigh:** It's 726637

 **Sigh:** BAZ YOU FUCKWAD 

 **Sigh:** HOW DO YOU DELETE MESSAGES

 **Pen:** SIMON YOU'RE ACTUALLY ALIVE

 **Sigh:** Please, as if Baz would actually kill me

 **Basil:** I'm often tempted.

 **Sigh:** <3

 **Mic:** Aww, UwU

 **Agh:** what the fuck is that

 **Mic:** What?

 **Agh:** What's 'UwU'?

 **Hammer:** It scares me

 **Nail:** I am confusion

 **Sigh:** OwO what's this?

 **Pen:** I'm gonna have to ask you to  _stop_

 **Agh:** What is happening?

 **Basil:** I'm so scared what the fuck is this?

 **Sigh:** Baz has my UwUs

 **Basil:** I don't have any of your creepy ass shit.

 **Mic:** HOLYYYYYY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 **Sigh:** No, you have my UwUs.

 **Sigh:** All of them. All my UwUs

 **Basil:** I have never been more confused in my life what the fuck are you trying to say.

 **Mic:** He's trying to say

 **Mic:** He's trying to say that

 **Mic:** Can I tell him Si?

 **Sigh:** Nah, let him suffer.

 **Basil:** Honestly, fuck you.

* * *

 

 **[Sigh** >  **Agh]**

 **Sigh:** nnnnnnn

 **Agh:** What's up hoe?

 **Sigh:** Baz told me I could tell 1 person, for now, to keep it quiet

 **Agh:** ?

 **Sigh:** The Scavenger Hunt worked and now I got a hot ass vampire bf

 **Agh:** Noice!

 **Agh:** Wouldn't you rather tell Penny about this? Considering the fact that I already kinda knew what was going on between you two

 **Sigh:** Wait how did you figure out we were dating

 **Agh:**   ****Well for one I already knew that Baz liked you before you came out about liking Baz and that he'd literally die again for you if you asked and second I help you plAN THE SCAVENGER HUNT

 **Sigh:** ... Fair.

 **Sigh:** But If i told Penny then she would tell (by accident most likely) Micah and I know for a fact Micah can't keep a secret.

 **Agh:** Okay that's fair

 **Agh:** So what's it like dating Baz?

 **Sigh:** His hair... So soft

 **Sigh:** His smile... So soft

 **Sigh:** His skin... So soft

 **Agh:** You mean Edgy Boi is actually a Soft Boi?

 **Sigh:** The Softest Boi.

 **Agh:** :o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone went around our school sticking 'OwO' on the walls and I had to explain what it meant to someone


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OwO and UwU are little text faces (i think) and when you say someone 'has all my UwUs' it means that something is cure and you love them like how I say my friend's cat has all my UwUs. (Do not directly tell someone they have your UwUs)
> 
> I think OwO came from the meme 'OwO what's this?' but idk I just use them

**[Sigh** >  **Pen]**

 **Sigh:** PENNY I CAN EXPLAIN

 **Pen:** WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SIMON

 **Pen:** WHY THE FUCK WAS BAZ SITTING  _ON YOUR LAP??????_

 **Sigh:** Just calm down and let me explain!

 **Pen:** HE'S LIKE, 5 INCHES TALLER THAN YOU

 **Sigh:** Wait what

 **Pen:** WOULDN'T IT BE COMFIER FOR YOU TO SIT IN HIS LAP? I MEAN IT'S JUST GOTTA BE TOO INCONVENIENT

 **Sigh:** HE WAS SAD HE NEEDED COMFORTING

 **Sigh:** AND WHY IS THAT THE THING YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT???

 **Pen:** What else would I complain about?

 **Sigh:** The fact that my lifelong enemy was sitting in my lap comfortably because he's  _not_ too tall for it 

 **Pen:** Oh that?

 **Pen:** Yeah i don't really care

 **Pen:** Aren't his legs bony tho? Like, it's gotta hurt?

 **Sigh:** Are you kidding me it is pretty much pure muscle down there i'm lowkey jealous but it's also lowkey hot

 **Pen:** Nice

 **Sigh:** Wait so you're really okay with me and Baz like... 'Dating'?

 **Pen:** I'm not really surprised. It actually makes a lot more sense

 **Sigh:** What do you mean it makes more sense?!?!?!

 **Pen:** Simon you literally  _stalked_ him for all of fifth year

 **Sigh:** I thought he was plotting!!!!!!

 **Pen:** I think the only thing he was plotting was how to make you fall in love with him

 **Pen:** And hey look! It worked!

 **Sigh:** Damn u right it did

 **Pen:** So when did he ask you out finally?

 **Sigh:** Uh I asked him out bitch

 **Pen:** Bitch no

 **Sigh:** Bitch yes

 **Pen:** Scavenger hunt?

 **Sigh:** Mhm

 **Pen:** Damn, romantic

 **Sigh:** Ikr

 **Pen:** Who knows?

 **Sigh:** Only you and Aggy. Keeping it lowkey cause of Baz's family

 **Pen:** Aw. rip.

 **Pen:** Not even Dev?

 **Sigh:** Maybe Dev. Dev seems chiller about that kinda stuff compared to his dad of which i've only really heard horror stories about

 **Pen:** Yikes

 **Sigh:** Yikes indeed.

* * *

 

 **[Sigh** >  **Basil]**

 **Sigh:** Penny knows

 **Basil:** How could she not?

 **Basil:** I'm surprised you didn't tell her first

 **Sigh:** So am I

 **Sigh:** But hey since she knows now maybe she'll stop turning up in our room unanounced

 **Basil:** First of all, it's unannounced and we both know that that won't stop her. Nothing will.

 **Sigh:** Sowwy wat? I cant here u over mi shitty vocabulery

 **Basil:** Why do I love you again?

 **Sigh:** I honestly have no fucking clue.

 **Sigh:** But you're stuck with me now

 **Basil:** Simon Snow you may be the worst Chosen One

 **Sigh:** Gee thanks

 **Basil:** But you're my chosen one, because I chose you.

 **Sigh:** THAT WAS ADORABLE WHAT THE FUCK

 **Sigh:** THAT'S NOT ALLOWED FUCK YOU

 **Basil:** If you wanna ;)

 **Sigh:** JESUS CHIRST MERLIN AND MORGANA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My bois get flustered easily


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna write fanfiction for the book i'm writing but I can't write fanfiction because 1) I need to write the book first and 2) I'M THE FUCKING AUTHOR

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Hammer:** Okay Baz what the fuck is going on with you???

 **Basil:** What?

 **Hammer:** You stopped messaging Niall and me about Snow and I'm worried now

 **Hammer:** Are you okay? Did something happen?

 **Basil:** I think we're on the wrong group chat for this

 **Hammer:** oh shit

 **Nail:** No! It's better if you confront him here so then everyone can know what's happening!!

 **Agh:** Yeah Baz :) How about you tell us Baz :)

 **Basil:** If it weren't for the laws of this land I would have slaughtered you

 **Sigh:** Laws are for cowards

 **Mic:** There's so much raw energy in that line what the fuck Simon

 **Pen:** C'mon Baz, tell us what's up! :)

 **Basil:** When I was just a child my mother died in front of my eyes because she would rather be dead than be a vampire. My father thinks of me as a disappointment because i'm gay and the Mage is probably raiding my family's house as we speak

 **Pen:** ... I didn't mean that

 **Basil:** Well what section of the fucking tragedy called my life do you want to hear from?

 **Agh:** The most recent one... The happier one

 **Basil:** There is no happiness in my life I'm sorry

 **Sigh:** Bitch.

 **Basil:** Wanker.

 **Sigh:** Git.

 **Basil:** Tosser.

 **Sigh:** Bastard.

**Basil:** _حبيبي,_

**Sigh:** What the fuck

 **Sigh:** How do you do that

 **Basil:** THAT'S ARABIC YOU IGNORANT WALNUT

 **Sigh:** Oh.

 **Basil:** Aleister Crowley

 **Agh:** Is there nothing you guys wanna confess to us????

 **Pen:** Yeah, like something going on between you two???

 **Mic:** What are they implying?????

 **Basil:** You girls are seriously doing this?

 **Pen:** Doing what?

 **Agh:** Absolutely 100% no doubt.

 **Sigh:** We don't have to say anything we don't want to.

 **Basil:** It's okay Snow

 **Sigh:** Are you sure?

 **Basil:** I mean, who can they tell? 

 **Basil:** Snow and I are dating

 **Hammer:** Wait actually?

 **Nail:** Holy shit I knew it

 **Mic:** what

 **Sigh:** We gay hoe

 **Nail:** Yeah we know but you two are such disasters that we didn't think you'd actually date eachother

 **Basil:** Y'all don't believe in me

 **Hammer:** You spent 4 years pining after Mr Golden Kid so no we really didn't

 **Basil:** That's... Fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Baz is part-Egyptian so uhhhh Headcanon that Baz learned Arabic thank you)


	13. Chapter 13

**[Sigh** >  **Basil]**

 **Sigh:** Ik you're asleep rn but I wanna cuddle you so bad rn

 **Sigh:** aaaaa itssofuckingunfair

 **Sigh:** You look so soft and peaceful when you're sleeping. It used to be the only thing I liked about you

 **Sigh:** You were always scowling at me or judging me with ur face

 **Sigh:** but when you were asleep i could see the other you. the real Baz, not the Baz who hated me.

 **Sigh:** God hwo does ur hair stay in place????? Mines just like BOOM GET UR COMB STUCK IN 56 DIFFERENT PLACES

 **Sigh:** I wanna run my hands thrugh ur hair, i bet with all that product you use it feels just like silk after u've have a shower

 **Sigh:** Do u use products to keep it straight or does it just grow like tht? If it grows like that then

 **Sigh:** If it grows like that then ur hair is the oe straight thing bout you lol

 **Sigh:** Luv u tho <3

 **Sigh:** <3 <3 <3 <3

 **Sigh:** How do u feel bout pet names?

 **Sigh:** Like ik some people are touchy about them but then you have couples who are so annoying about them

 **Sigh:** 'i love u so much boo boo bear' 'I wuv u too honeymunchkins'

 **Sigh:** I wanna be like that

 **Sigh:** but like, less weird names

 **Sigh:** tbh i just kinda wanna piss of Penny

 **Sigh:** What pet names would u even like? Sweetie? Honey? Baby? Ew no, baby is gross

 **Sigh:** Sugar?

 **Sigh:** Kitten?

 **Sigh:** Oh wait nu ur old fashioned u'd go for someing old like....

 **Sigh:** Darling?

 **Sigh:** Light of my life?

 **Sigh:** Apple of my eye?

 **Sigh:** Pet?

 **Sigh:** My sun and stars?

 **Sigh:** Precious?

 **Sigh:** Treasure?

 **Basil:** What the Fuck Simon?

 **Sigh:** JESUSFUVKNFCJRISY

 **Basil:** Okay.  
1 - Who said you can't cuddle me get your warm ass over here  
2 - My hair is only straight because of products, no you cannot see my natural hair  
3 - If you ever call me Sugar, Kitten, or Pet I will literally dump you so hard that you will never fucking forget it.

 **Sigh:** Bold of you to assume I'd ever be able to forget you at all.

 **Basil:** <3

 **Sigh:** :O

 **Basil:** Get over here you absolute nightmare your boyfriend is cold

 **Sigh:** My boyfriend <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone decided to be homophobic to me so I wrote some soft bois because they calm me.


	14. Chapter 14

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Sigh:** Darling?

 **Sigh:** Sweetheart?

 **Sigh:** Babe?

 **Sigh:** Love?

 **Nail:** I'm gonna have to legally ask you to  _stop_

 **Basil:** What do you want bitch?

 **Sigh:** you

 **Mic:** Why are you doing this on the gc take ur horny asses and leave

 **Basil:** asfdhgk

 **Agh:** shut up u bottom

 **Basil:** ASHDFGKAJHLJFDAHF

 **Sigh:** Seriously wtf we don't have bunk beds?

 **Basil:** SIMON NO

 **Pen:** d

 **Pen:** didyoujustcallhimsimon

 **Agh:** holyshititshappening

 **Hammer:** ohmycrowleygaysitsfinallyhappening

 **Basil:** What?

 **Sigh:** That's the first time you've ever called me Simon <3

 **Basil:** Wtf no it isn't

 **Sigh:** mmmmmyes it is

 **Basil:** No it

 **Basil:** NEVERMIND I HAVE TO LEAVE

 **[Basil**  is nowoffline **]**

 **Sigh:** what was that about?

 **Pen:** Si you smol bean don't worry ur innocent head about it

 **Hammer:** WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU NIALL

 **Nail:** BITCH

 **Mic:** wtf

 **Hammer:** I WILL THROW UR JAFFA CAKES TO THE MERWOLVES YOU WHORE

 **Nail:** YOU WOULDN'T DARE

 **Hammer:** TRY ME BITCH

 **Agh:** uhhhhh you guys okay?

 **Nail:** I WILL FUCKING DISMEMBER GERALD

 **Hammer:** I HOPE YOU STEP ON A PLUG

 **Pen:** who tf is Gerald and wtf is going on

 **Nail:** Gerald is our fan

 **Pen:** Your... fan?

 **Hammer: [** x1 image attached **]**

 **Mic:** Why did you stick googly eyes to a fan wtf dude

 **Hammer:** comedy

 **Nail:** Hey. Twat.

 **Nail:**   **[** x1 image attatched **]**

 **Hammer:** YOU SLUT

 **Mic:** this is over Pepsi are you serious

 **Hammer:** IT IS PEPSI THAT I SMUGGLED IN INSIDE A MINI-FRIDGE TO LAST ME THROUGHOUT THE YEAR AND THIS BITCH DECIDED TO STEAL HALF OF IT WHILE I WAS IN LESSON

 **Nail:** AND I'LL STEAL THE REST OF THEM I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU

 **Nail:** I'LL FUCK UR BITCH

 **Hammer:** YOU'RE MY BITCH

 **Nail:** I KNOW

 **Nail:** wait

 **Mic:** hold up, are you two dating?

 **Hammer:** Have been for the past three years thanks for noticing

 **Agh:** Y'all are literally so dumb istm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so apparently my one straight friend had a girl ask for her number and she said no bc hetero but ig she forgot she literally has three gay girl friends like wtf bitch i'm lonely smh
> 
> (I mean ig i have a crush on one of the gays but like BITCH STILL)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Sup y'all I'm gay and depressed
> 
> (Btw Simon is 18 which is the legal drinking age in England)

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Sigh:** GUYS I FOUND ALCOHOL IN THE MAGE'S OFFICE LETS GET PISSED

 **Nail:** Bold of you to assume i'm not pissed 80% of the whole god damn time

 **Agh:** I honestly wouldn't even doubt that fact for a second

 **Pen:** No one's getting drunk

 **Hammer:**  Why not??? We're responsible

 **Nail:** Says the bitch that forgot to turn on Gerald last night

 **Sigh:** what the fuck

 **Mic:** Don't fucking ask

 **Basil:** Si you're not getting drunk

 **Sigh:** You can't control me bitch

 **Basil:** You're either gonna go off or you're gonna be sick and I don't want anyone getting hurt

 **Agh:** Merlin, Baz actually has a heart????

 **Basil:** No Si has it.

 **Sigh:** love stop being cute so then it's easier to talk me out of this

 **Basil:** bitch make me

 **Sigh: [** x1 image attached **]**

 **Pen:** SIMON NO

 **Agh:** The real question is why does the Mage keep vodka in his office

 **Hammer:** If u were the head of a school full of magic teenagers wouldn't you?

 **Agh:** Oof fair enough I guess

 **Basil:** Merlin Fuck Simon Snow you get your ass back here you're not drinking a whole bottle of vodka to yourself

 **Sigh:** U wanna share it with me????

 **Pen:** Wait hold up  _if_ Baz is a vampire can he get drunk? I mean the speedy healing factor would just remove the alcohol from his body right?

 **Mic:** Wouldn't it only be removed if he drank enough to actually harm his body?

 **Agh:** but any amount could impair him mentally depending on his tolerance levels

 **Pen:** But does the healing factor apply to mental impairments or just physical?

 **Basil:** Wouldn't explain why i'm still depressed

 **Mic:** All vampires are depressed, hush.

 **Pen:** You think Dracula was depressed? Living in that bitch-ass castle???

 **Mic:** Considering he was a symbol of illness, malnutrition, and pestilence then uhhh yeah imma go ahead and say Dracula was depressed as FUCK

 **Pen:** I see your point and I raise you HE LIVED IN A BITCH ASS CASTLE. ALL TO HIMSELF.

 **Pen:** THAT GUY WAS LIVING THE DREAM

 **Sigh:** Wow can't wait to move in with you pen

 **Pen:** Don't try and tell me if you got the opportunity to live in a castle by yourself that you _wouldn't_ take it

 **Sigh:** BAZ'S FAMILY PRACTICALLY OWN TWO I ALREADY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY

 **Basil:** No you don't they really don't like you.

 **Sigh:** bitch.

* * *

 

 **[Sigh** >  **Basil]**

 **Sigh:** Bazzzzzz

 **Sigh:** Bazzy

 **Sigh:** Bazzle Dazzle

 **Basil:** Where the fuck are you it's 9pm

 **Sigh:** if tel ya but i dont have a fuckin clue

 **Basil:** ...You drank the bottle didn't you?

 **Sigh:** Ye boiiiiiiiii

 **Sigh:** I threw up like,,,, a l o t

 **Basil:** Crowley. I'm coming to find you.

 **Sigh:** Hey Baz.

 **Sigh:** Baz.

 **Sigh:** Baz.

 **Sigh:** Baz.

 **Sigh:** Baz.

 **Sigh:** Baz.

 **Sigh:** Baz.

 **Sigh:** Baz.

 **Sigh:** Baz.

 **Basil:** What?

 **Sigh:** do u thikn i'm dubm

 **Basil:** I'm assuming you mean dumb?

 **Sigh:** DON'T ASSUME! U only make an ass outta u and em

 **Basil:** Right.

 **Basil:** You can be a bit dense but you're not stupid. I'd say average intelligence.

 **Sigh:** it was a metaphorical questin

 **Basil:** What?

 **Sigh:** A questin that dont need no answerrrrrrr

 **Basil:** You mean 'rhetorical'?

 **Sigh:** Uhhh, ya i think so

 **Sigh:** anyawy

 **Sigh:** I know ur a bottom

 **Basil:** I don't know what you mean. Like you said, we don't have bunk beds.

 **Sigh:** pffffff.

 **Sigh:** I only say that to take the attntion off u so u dont get embarressed

 **Sigh:** I know wat it means Baz

 **Basil:** And you decided to tell me this because...?

 **Sigh:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Basil:** No.

 **Sigh:** ( ͡° ʖ̯ ͡°)

 **Basil:** You're drunk and you're not thinking straight.

 **Sigh:** im never thiknin straight

 **Sigh:** im not striaght

 **Sigh:** Am I gay???????

 **Basil:**   _حبيبي_ we're not having this conversation again I thought we settled it last time

 **Sigh:** ye but what iff drukn Simun has a diffrent sexuelety ti sober Simun

 **Basil:**  Aleister Crowley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I SAW BRENDON URIE. IN THE FLESH. I CRIED AT GIRLS/GIRLS/BOYS. THERE WAS SO MANY PRIDE FLAGS.  
> IF ANY OF Y'ALL WERE AT THE SHOW IN BIRMINGHAM ENGLAND PLS TELL ME 
> 
> I dont know what this chapter is


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter because cramps be bad lads

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Sigh:** There's been some confusion over rooming here at Shiz~

 **Pen:** What

 **Basil:** Crowley not this again

 **Sigh:** But of course, I'll rise above it~

 **Sigh:** For I know that's how you'd want me to respond, yes

 **Sigh:** There's been some confusion for you see my roommate is:

 **Sigh:** Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe~~~~~

 **Basil:** I'm not doing this

 **Sigh:** (babe pls)

 **Hammer:** What is happening?

 **Basil:** ....

 **Sigh:** ,,,,

 **Basil:** Blond.

 **Sigh:** What is this feeling, so sudden, and new?

 **Basil:** I felt the moment I laid eyes on you.

 **Sigh:** My pulse is rushing

 **Basil:** My head is reeling.

 **Sigh:** My face is flushing

 **Basil:** What is this feeling?

 **Sigh:** Fervid as a flame,

 **Basil:** Does it have a name?

 **Sigh:** yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS

 **Basil:** Loathing.

 **Sigh:** Unadulterated loathing.

 **Sigh:** For your face,

 **Basil:** Your voice.

 **Sigh:** Your clothing!

 **Basil:** Let's just say - I loathe it all!

 **Nail:** U gays know you're dating now, right???

 **Sigh:** YOU RUINED IT NIALL

 **Nail:** idk what I ruined but cool ****

 **Sigh:** I WILL DEFENESTRATE YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my crush rejected me but we still best friends so everything's good.
> 
> Also, WHY HAS NO ONE MADE A 'WHAT IS THIS FEELING?' ANIMATIC FOR SNOWBAZ IT FITS THEM (ALMOST) PERFECTLY.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Micah <3 <3 <3 <3

**[Mic** >  **Sigh]**

 **Mic:** Hey, when are you next on break????

 **Sigh:** You honestly think I have any idea?

 **Mic:** Well, no, but you're the only one I can ask right now

 **Sigh:** Idk I think we have a half-term in about two weeks? I think that's when I'm staying at Baz's

 **Mic:** k cool thanks

 **Sigh:** Wait why are ou asking?

 **Mic:** Oh right

 **Mic:** I'm coming over

 **Mic:** I wanna see Pennyyyyyyyy

 **Mic:** I haven't seen her in months

 **Mic:** I miss her

 **Sigh:** You talk to her every day?

 **Mic:** Yeah but I haven't been able to speak to her face

 **Mic:** As soon as I see her imma give her a big ol' bear hug

 **Mic:** She's gonna be so surprised that we'll fall to the ground like in those dumb movies

 **Mic:** And we're just gonna like there and hold each other bc it's been  _so. long._

 **Mic:** I think I love her?

 **Mic:** Oh crap I think I actually love her.

 **Sigh:** Uh, is this new?

 **Mic:** I mean, no, because I've always loved her

 **Mic:** But like, I wasn't  _in love_ with her

 **Mic:** But now I am in love with her

 **Sigh:** ... There's a difference?

 **Mic:** HELL YEAH THERE'S A DIFFERENCE

 **Mic:** Loving someone is like, 'Aw you're cute and I love spending time with you and you make me feel great about myself'

 **Mic:** Being in love with someone is like 'I'd cross a thousand oceans to spend even just a single moment with you because you're everything to me'

 **Mic:** Right now I'm really feeling the second one

 **Sigh:** Well damn

 **Sigh:** Maybe you should tell her?

 **Sigh:** Or tell her when you get over here, make it romantic as fuck

 **Mic:** Yeah, yeah!

 **Mic:** How do I be romantic?

 **Sigh:** Idk dude I don't have any clue what Pen likes when it comes to romance and all that shit

 **Mic:** Ughhhhhhhhh fine i'll figure it all out by myselffffff

 **Sigh:** Good, she's your girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sooooo If I were to post a prologue to one of my original books to Wattpad (I know) would you guys read it if I gave you a link? I'm not sure if it's an interesting concept and my friends are sick of me ranting about my other books series. Btw if I do post it to Wattpad y'all can't mention my AO3 at all, bc my friends might find it.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be some spoilers for Good Omens so if y'all haven't watched it then go watch it

**[Baz get a fucking life oh wait]**

**Sigh:** Penny is freaking out what do

 **Agh:** I don't know I'm scared

 **Mic:** Good freak out or bad freak out?

 **Sigh:** ... Yes.

 **Agh:** She just ran out the library, not saying anything

 **Hammer:** SHE JUTS FUKCIN HIT ME

 **Mic:** Did u tell her?

 **Sigh:** No?

 **Agh:** Tell her what?

 **Sigh:** NOPE

 **Basil:** Snow, Love of my life, sweetheart, precious, darling, best boyfriend I'm sorry but you're kicked out of the room tonight

 **Sigh:** The fuck??????

 **Sigh:** WHERE AM I MEANT TO STAY????

 **[Basil** has gone offline **]**

 **Nail:** Okay what the f is going on

 **Mic:** asjdfggakfhgasdh

 **[Mic** has gone offline **]**

 **Hammer:** Oh no. Our braincells are gone

 **Agh:** Shit.

 **Nail:** Okay, I need a bottle of mustard (Dijon not English), a golf club, some tennis rackets, fake flowers (not the real shit), a candle, and the closet thing anyone can get to a trolley and then I need y'all to meet me in the wavering wood in two hours. Y'all may need some goggles for this shit.

 **Sigh:** What the fuck?

 **Hammer:** AW FUCK YEAH

* * *

 

**[Angel ;)]**

**Basil:** That was way too short wtf

 **Mic:** IT WAS SO GOOD

 **Pen:** I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR FUCKING YEARS AND IT'S EVERYTHING I HOPED IT WOULD BE

 **Basil:** T'was a lot gayer than intended 

 **Mic** **:** It's not gay if they don't conform to the human ideas of gender

 **Pen:** True.

 **Pen:** But Merlin they are so in love

 **Basil:** "Think of something or I'll never talk to you again" Crowley: *Fuckin stops TIME*

 **Mic:** Conspiracy: Crowley doesn't wear glasses to hide his snake eyes, it's because he's a pining idiot and doesn't want the love of his life to see his heart eyes

 **Pen:** Speaking of pining idiots, where's Simon?

 **Mic:** Baz kicked him out the room so y'all could watch Good Omens

 **Basil:** I didn't think he'd listen to me!

 **Pen:** You left Simon,,, With Dev and Niall,,,,

 **Basil:** SHIT

 **[Basil** has gone offline **]**

 **Mic:** Oops

* * *

 

 **[Basil** >  **Sigh]**

 **Basil:** Where are you??? Are you okay???

 **Sigh:** Yeah,,, I think so

 **Basil:** You think so?

 **Sigh:** Well,, Uh,, I think I might have a concussion?

 **Basil:** WHAT

 **Sigh:** Well you see Dev accidentally hit me in the head with a golf club but it's not as bad as the Tennis Trolley incident

 **Basil:** The,,,, The what?

 **Sigh:** Trust me you don't wanna know

 **Sigh:** But uhh,,, Niall sprained his wrist so we're at the Nurses office

 **Sigh:** Oh but Agatha's not here bc she's off giving Trixie her fake flowers back

 **Basil:** .... Can you come back to the room I really wanna see if you're actually okay

 **Sigh:** Okay! :D

 **Sigh:** If I have mustard on my shirt would you mind spelling it off for me? Oh and don't mind the burnt bits, I can hide those with my blazer

 **Basil:** please just get here as fast as possible and don't let Bunce see you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL. GOOD OMENS THO.
> 
> Also,,, Hi,,, In my defence I wrote a full 12 chapter piece full of angst and fluff and It's one of the few works I'm actually proud of and then I wrote a scene draft for my book and kinda forgot that,,, this,,, existed,,,,,


End file.
